Your Instagram filter can’t save these vacations.
I don’t know about y’all, but I’ve noticed that spring break is peak murder season in the genre. Coeds stabbed at the beach. Friend groups are torn apart on road trips. Couples running into cannibals while on their international travels. Spring break is not a good time to be in the friend circle of any horror movie. That’s why I’m excited to check out the readily available streaming options celebrating what horror movies make us believe is the deadliest right of passage.
While I can’t stop you from partaking in these festivities, I can judge from my apartment as I watch these movies and envision this is what y’all are getting up to out there.
April Fool’s Day (1986)
Where You Can Watch: Showtime
Muffy St. John invites her friends to a remote island for spring break. There’s a murderer among them trying to cut the week short. I don’t know how no one paused at the thought of being invited to murder island during April Fool’s Day, but okay. This has been on my list forever and I’m ready to see Muffy/Buffy wreck havoc on the friend circle. I also love that this spring break includes April Fool’s Day during this week of murder. It signifies that there’s going to be a bonus level of chaos. It also means that there should be a few things to laugh at on purpose.
A group of college kids on a houseboat get stalked by a crocodile. I want to say something funny but it’s hard to follow that description. Like…where do we go after hearing kids on a houseboat are being terrorized by an angry crocodile? This sounds like the Nick Jr. show I deserved as a child and I’m a little sad I never got it. Tobe Hooper directed this one so there might be a better movie than the description gives us. Or it could just be chaos on a houseboat. Either way, I’m having at least two drinks before going in for whatever this is.
Piranha 3D (2010)
Where You Can Watch: Starz
Prehistoric carnivorous piranhas are unleashed on Lake Victoria. This is supposed to be a loose remake of Piranha (1978) so definitely should be funny. The connection to the original is possibly why the cast is so stacked too. Ving Rhames, Elisabeth Shue, Adam Scott, and Mr. Jaws himself, Richard Dreyfuss, are just a few of the familiar faces waiting to lead us down this chaotic journey. Plus if it’s as much fun as I hope it is, Piranha 3DD is streaming on Amazon Prime, PlutoTV, and Tubi. Why not make it a watery spring break double feature? I look forward to beginning the investigation of why people won’t just stay out of this water posthaste.
Shallow Grave (1987)
Where You Can Watch: Tubi
Four friends on a road trip try to escape a small town after watching the sheriff murder a woman. I love a road trip gone wrong almost as much as I love an 80s slasher. It feels like a darker and more serious, version of The Slumber Party Massacre but on the road. If I’m wrong, I still want this in front of my eyeballs immediately. Looking forward to watching what I assume is my idea of high art. More spring break movies with a car full of women having to kick the local sheriff’s ass please! Now. Today.
Spring Break Massacre (2008)
Where You Can Watch: Tubi
A spring break sleepover is ruined by whoever starts to kill the group one by one. This title tells me this movie belongs on this list. It knows its lane and it knows its limits. It’s not going to try to make you think this is going to be a transformative experience. It tells us this is a spring break massacre and asks us to keep the line moving. I respect that and can’t wait to see it unfold. This movie also features Linnea Quigley so I know I’m the last one to this spring break massacre. I was out here messing around with spring, breaks, and massacres but never asked myself if there was a whole ass spring break massacre on the horizon. I’m ashamed of myself and don’t deserve the love of Tubi.
Where You Can Watch: VOD
Rachel was the sole survivor of a brutal massacre three years ago. Now she’s in college and ready to try this spring break thing again! That’s right! Rachel fell off that horse and got right back on even though everyone has to know this is going to end in another murdered friend circle. We can learn quite a few things from Rachel as we praise her resilience and faith in humanity. This movie is my bonus pick because there is a penis mutilation scene that should inspire a spring cleaning joke that I’m not witty enough to make today. It usually costs the same to rent it as it is to own it. That way you can revisit every spring break and wonder why we never got a sequel to this madness. We know that Rachel’s no quitter so where is the sequel??
Is your favorite spring break movie streaming but not on the list? Let me know at @misssharai.